Pornographic Epiphany
by RenShep
Summary: Fill for the Prompt: Shep picks up a copy of Fornax on a whim after recruiting Garrus. Upon perusing through the pages she is "dazzled" by the endowments of the turian males she sees gracing the pages. Thus she begins to see her spiky companion in a much different way. Dirty thoughts and awkward flirting commence.
1. Chapter 1

Insomnia was a bitch.

She hadn't been able to sleep well since their last outing a few days ago. This was a relatively common problem for her, having been up and down this road many times during her life. Hell, she'd been down in many times during her last life, too. She'd tried everything. An hour on the treadmill only physically exhausted her but didn't slow her brain down a bit. Turning off the fish tank lights didn't help at all. Quiet music, nada. A scotch before bed, zilch. It had gotten to the point that she was ready to take Chakwas up on her offer for a sedative, though she hated to do that. Things like that always made her feel fuzzy the next day. It was better to be tired as far as she was concerned. She couldn't afford a lapse in judgement.

She lay in bed staring at the stars above her. Every time she felt herself start to drift even a little bit her mind would suddenly change channels and she'd be thinking of something else. Miranda's sister, or Thane's son, Garrus and Sidonis, or Jacob's father; or just the overwhelming pressure she was under. The never ending, relentless pressure.

Once again, everything depended on her.

She glanced at the clock beside her bed. 2:30am standard time. A sigh escaped her.

The frustration which came along with insomnia had a tendency to make it worse until it snowballed out of control. She decided to get up and try to bore herself to sleep by dealing with some paperwork. Stretching and yawning she sat down at her desk and opened the top drawer to pull out her log book, but something else caught her eye. It was a gift she'd purchased for Joker last time they'd made it to the Citadel. A brand new shiny copy of Fornax. She laughed softly when she thought of the look she'd received from the turian behind the counter.

She pulled the magazine out so she'd remember to bring it to Joker next time she was headed to the cockpit. On the cover was an asari and an elcor, in what she would assume was galactic "classy" porn pose, everything covered, but the intent was apparent, particularly on the face of the asari. Actually, the elcor didn't really seem to express anything, except, well, just being an elcor.

_Elcor porn_. The thought made her shudder and she tried to get back to work.

But her mind, much as it had while she was trying to sleep, wandered. She glanced at the cover a couple times before she decided to just get her curiosity sated and over with.

The first few photos she flipped by pretty quickly. Asari, asari, quarian female; tits never really did it for her. Eventually she came to a photo depicting a drell. The drell in question was a bluish color, a bit darker than Koylat, but his markings reminded her of Thane. Muscular in all the right places, the coloration and markings on his skin did nothing but accentuate his physique. And below the waist, she had to admit, was some impressive (and colorful) equipment. She could fully understand why even cool collected Samara was totally smitten with him.

She turned the page again, fully expecting another drell or an asari. Instead she forgot how to breathe.

Taking up the entire page, and posed much like Michelangelo's 'David' was a male turian. Dark plates, rather like Nihlus, or that general she helped one time. What was his name? Okra? The turian in the photo had sharp cream colored clan markings and was gazing at the camera with amber eyes. Broad shoulders led to a wide, muscular chest covered with dark plates, tapering down to a slender waist which was slightly paler in color. She felt herself growing warm. Slim waist led to angular hips which led to long, powerful looking legs. She'd always appreciated turian legs, that extra joint always made them look fast and strong, but she'd never really seen them exposed like this. There really was something deliciously predatory about turians, some regal manner she'd always appreciated. Slender, angular, deadly looking.

In the center, emerged from behind plates, was a dusky purplish-blue cock the likes of which she'd never seen. It cuved forward towards his waist, tapering at the tip, ridges and bumps encircling it. It glistened. It actually _glistened_. She wasn't certain if turian males self-lubricated or if it had been "polished" so to speak for the spread, and she didn't really give a damn. The shape of it, the way it was perfectly curved, she knew _exactly_ where it would hit internally; which led to _other_ thoughts.

She felt herself grow warm in response, warm and wet, actually. She'd not even considered sex with a member of her own species since her resurrection. Actually, prior to her death it had been quite some time for her. Not that there hadn't offers of course, just none she was interested in.

She flipped through the magazine, looking for more turians to see if they could compare to the first. She found another. "Hellooo gorgeous," the words came out of their own accord. This one was a bit bulkier than the first, thicker and more muscular. His plates were pale, his eyes were green, his cock was more blue than purple. Wrapped around it was his three taloned hand, gripping firmly, head thrown back in obvious pleasure.

Shepard rubbed her thighs together.

It was the next page which fully did her in. A female human with an obviously synthetic chest was bent over as a male turian entered her from behind, the back of her neck held snugly between his jaws. Shepard's own jaw dropped as the temperature in her cabin seemed to soar. She swallowed hard a few times. A few more images of the couple on the next page, one with the woman's legs wrapped around the turian's neck, his long tongue buried in her, and another with her legs wrapped about his waist, feet braced against his spurs as he fucked her up against a wall.

Shepard felt herself flush, felt her nipples tighten, never in her life has she reacted so strongly to an image but this was _just fucking hot_. She slipped her hand under the shorts she slept in, under her panties, and found herself soaked. Just the slightest touch had her practically jumping from the chair from sensitivity. Her own head fell back in pleasure as she touched herself, imagining the feel of a three fingered hand on her flesh, plates against her skin, and sharp predatory teeth at her throat. Within two minutes time she was all but groaning out loud as she came hard around her fingers.

With a final, shuddering breath, she returned to bed and fell asleep almost immediately.

xXxXx

She managed to sleep for four hours. That was the longest she'd managed to stay asleep for days and she felt much more rested than she had in some time. Zombie Cyborg Shepard had a lot more difficulty getting shut eye than Shepard V1.0 did. After showering and dressing she grabbed the copy of Fornax to bring up to Joker. Part of her loathed the idea of parting with it. But she could always pick up another. She got into the elevator and pressed the button. She glanced through her favorite pictures idly as the elevator slowly made its way up to the CIC.

Fortunately she closed the magazine before the elevator doors opened; unfortunately she wasn't fully focused on where she was going and ran head first into Garrus. The magazine fell to the floor and she tripped over one of his feet, nearly falling down face first. Nearly. His hands wrapped around her arms to steady her.

She'd never noticed how large his hands were before, or how warm they were even through the gloves he never took off. Come to think of it she'd never really noticed how pleasant he smelled, either.

"Garrus, what are you doing up here?" She could have swear her voice went up three octaves higher than normal.

"Shepard." He nodded at her, "Just delivering some mods to Jacob."

He looked down at the magazine where it sat on the floor. _Shit_, it was open. _Of course_ it hadn't opened to something harmlessly asari or quarian. And _of course_ it had decided that it would open up to one of the very pages she had spent some time with last night.

He raised an eyebrow plate at her and she felt her face grow decidedly warm.

There she was, standing near the galaxy map with her best friend, who suddenly affected her in ways he never had before, with the turian version of a Greek God's cock looking back at them. Okay, it wasn't looking back, but as far as she was concerned it was. Looking back and making all kinds of inappropriate comments inside her head. She grabbed the magazine off the floor before her hallucination had the thing winking up at her. She closed it quickly, took a swift breath and thought to herself_ '__Be cool, Shepard, you can do this.'_

She stood up and grinned at him, pretending it was amusing rather than horrifyingly embarrassing. "Just delivering some reading material to Joker." She hoped her blush wouldn't be too noticeable.

He grunted, "Reading material, huh?"

"Well, he could be reading it for the articles." She joked, even managing to force a strangled laugh.

"Uh huh." He cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable. "Well, ah, Shepard, I need to get back down to the battery."

She nodded and cleared her throat, "Calibrations?"

"Yeah. Calibrations. I'll, ah, be there if you need me Shepard." And with that the elevator doors closed and Shepard let out a breath.

_Well, that was a horribly awkward start to the day._


	2. Chapter 2

Insomnia remained a bitch.

Rather than staring up at the stars while her mind wandered through the problems of the crew, Shepard instead stared up at the stars while her _own_ problems flitted through her mind. Well, perhaps not problems so much as horribly inappropriate thoughts about Garrus.

_Garrus._

She ran into him in the mess when she'd grabbed dinner. They'd chatted, as was usual. The morning's awkwardness apparently forgotten, at least on his end; she, however, remembered. She did her best to get through the conversation without her voice rising in pitch or her face turning red and was moderately successful.

She sighed and rolled over to try sleeping on her side, then her stomach, then her back again.

The evil blue light of the clock read 1:55am standard; she hated that clock. That damned clock was always there to let her know just how badly she was failing at the entire sleep thing, which in turn led to frustration which of course only made things worse. Though now that she was looking she noticed how similar the color was to that of Garrus' visor; which of course was similar in color to the electric blue of his eyes.

Which led to thoughts about his voice; which took a quick trip to other things, things she'd rather not associate with her best friend. Like how big he was. He was more than a head taller than her, and she was not exactly a delicate little woman. The way his talons wrapped around her bicep earlier today, easily encasing her entire arm and even overlapping each other. She wondered what his hands looked like, felt like without his gloves.

What he'd look like without armor.

Well, that train of thought wasn't helping at all.

She rolled over again.

Maybe if she associated her newfound turian fetish – well thinking about it like that didn't help – but maybe if she thought of a different turian she could get this whole Garrus thing out of her head. She considered her options.

Nihlus , handsome as he had been, it didn't seem right. The turian Councilor was an ass. There was that Gavorn fellow who worked for Aria. He had a nice voice, and the fact that he was barefaced didn't bother her. He was tall, too, and had the kind of cocky attitude she could appreciate.

Hmmm… yes, Gavorn might just work.

She imagined what it might feel like to have his hands on her, his voice in her ear, his body pressed up against hers. Her hands snaked down her stomach, between her thigs, spread her folds and began mimicking what she'd imagined he could do with that long thick tongue. As she came she imagined that large, angular body over her, entering her, filling her with his thickly curved cock.

She tried to ignore the fact that as she came the turian of her fantasy looked down at her with piercing blue eyes.

Thankfully sleep took over before she could consider it.

xXxXx

Over the next few days she'd managed to put her now established turian obsession out of her thoughts, at least while she worked. At night it was a different matter entirely. She did her best not to think of Garrus. He was her friend after all. Not just a friend but her best friend, and no way, no how was she about to mess that up the camaraderie they had. But it didn't stop her from fantasizing about others. Granted, the turian in her fantasy would occasionally morph into a Garrus type hybrid, but it was helping just the same. At least she was finally getting some much needed rest, and was even managing to converse with Garrus normally again. Well, mostly.

She would find her eyes wandering a bit now and then while they spoke. Focusing a bit too hard on what she could see of him in his armor. They'd talk and she'd be focused on his throat, wondering if the skin there felt as soft as it looked. Or watching his hands moved as he talked, wishing she could just tear off his gloves to see and feel. Had she really managed to go this long without noticing how goddamned sexy his voice was? She wondered what sort of noises he would make.

After such encounters she would find it occasionally necessary to return to her quarters for a few moments of 'alone time'.

Thankfully he didn't seem to notice.

Unfortunately the more she thought about it the more curious she became. Maybe, just maybe, she should try to find a turian who was attracted to humans? Just for a night or two. Sate her lust and be done with it so that she could move on and hopefully do away with these inappropriate thoughts about her friend.

She never would have guessed that Donnelly in engineering would provide her with an excuse to go to Omega. T6-FBA Couplings were apparently needed and what better place to get them.

She grinned and thought of Captain Gavorn , maybe she'd bump into him while there. At the very least Omega might just be the place to pick up a turian shaped –

-before the thought could fully form she giggled and immediately slapped herself in the forehead.

She was turning into such a fucking _girl_ over this. _Giggling of all things!_ She was Commander _fucking_ Shepard! She did. Not. Giggle.

She thought about shopping for a vibrator shaped like a turian cock, remembered the look she'd received from the salesman she purchased the Fornax from and giggled again.

She was beginning to hate herself a little bit.

But at the same time it could turn out to be a very interesting excursion.

"Joker," she spoke over the comm, "set a course for Omega. I have some shopping to do."


	3. Chapter 3

Stepping out onto Omega Shepard scanned the crowds near the Afterlife entrance. Captain Gavorn was missing from his usual post. Well, that was unfortunate. She motioned to Garrus and Grunt, who'd exited the Normandy with her. "You two go on ahead. I have a few things to pick up. Meet you later."

The FBA Couplings were located at the very first shop she visited. She wandered around the markets for a bit, hoping to find a shop which sold, ahem, more exotic merchandise. One would think that a place like Omega would have several sex toy shops catering to various species. Apparently it was more of a "bring your own perversion" kind of place though.

She was looking through one of the kiosks when she found a model Mako. Jackpot! She didn't have one of these yet, didn't even know they made them. She was certainly setting herself up for a few "Shepard can't drive" jokes, but it would be so worth it to see the look on Garrus' face when she put it together. She continued to peruse the inventory and her delight grew when she noticed they carried Fornax. Decision made she picked up the model and magazine which were placed in a discreet brown bag.

She made her way into Afterlife. A lone turian stood at the front of the curved bar talking to the salarian bartender. She made her way next to him and ordered a drink, smiling at him as she did so.

The turian grinned back, "I have a mate and a ship, and I only brought one of them to Omega."

Her smile fell.

Douch-baggery was a cross species phenomenon.

She swallowed her drink in one gulp and ordered a second before excusing herself and making her way over to a booth occupied by a handful of her crew. The booth was, to Shepard at least, happily free of any table dancing asari. Really, would it kill Aria to offer a little variety? Sitting down between Tali and Jack the placed the bag on the floor.

The warmth offered by her drink spread through her far more quickly than she anticipated. She could already feel her face flushing. Having a brand new shiny liver was all fine and dandy, but she sure as hell couldn't metabolize liquor like she used to.

"Everyone having a good night?" She asked the group as she sat down. She didn't notice Tali digging through her bag until she heard her giggle. "A model Mako, Shepard? I still have nightmares about that thing. Or, specifically, the way you drove it."

"Oh come on Tali! It wasn't that bad. That 'thing' was a beast! It could climb just about anything!"

The quarian pointed at her, "Which YOU felt the need to demonstrate every time you saw even the smallest hill in the way. I swear you climbed half those mountains just because you could."

"Hell yes I did!" Shepard laughed "You just don't give someone like me that kind of power to play with and expect me to NOT push it to its limits."

They continued discussing her driving skills, or lack there of, until Jack's voice cut in after a sharp bark of laughter, "You needed to keep looking in that bag, Tal!"

Shepard felt all the blood drain from her face as Jack enthusiastically waved around the copy of Fornax at everyone at the table. Shepard made a leap for the magazine, but the booze in her system was apparently already affecting her reaction time. She missed and wound up spread across the table, ass in the air.

She heard Jack's unmistakable laugh coming somewhere behind her. The small woman cackled, "Get this! Get this!" Jack was all but choking on her laughter. "It's the Special TURIAN issue."

The blood which had just rushed from Shepard's face returned there with a vengeance.

Shepard didn't actually remember burning up as she entered the atmosphere of Alchera, but she imagined it wouldn't feel much warmer than the heat rushing to her face now. She sat down and consumed the remainder of her drink in one harsh swallow. Jack and Gabby were currently playing tug-o-war with the magazine. Kelly caught her eye and nodded her head across the bar; Shepard looked over to see Thane in conversation with Zaeed. "Thought you would have been more of a 'Special Drell Issue' type, Shepard."

Tali piped up. "Keelah! No! If you spent half the time I have around Shepard and Garrus that I have you'd know Shepard's been 'Special Turian Issue' for years now!"

"Tali!" Shepard choked out, expressing a great deal of indignation in those two syllables.

"What?" Tali shrugged her shoulders and said sweetly, "I live in a suit, Shepard, not a bubble! I've seen the way you look at him."

"What the hell does that mean? I don't look at him any differently than I look at you!"

"I've seen it too, Tali." Gabby spoke up from the corner. "Her eyes always linger a bit longer on him than they should."

"And they sparkle." Tali said, a wistful tone in her voice.

"Her whole face does!"

"I do not SPARKLE at Garrus!"

"No, you just gaze at him longingly from across the mess hall." That would be Dr. Chakwas. The older woman raised her glass in a mock toast, winked at Shepard and downed her drink.

Shepard folded her arms on the table and hid her face in them. "I hate you all so much right now."

She was waiting for the moment when she simply melted from embarrassment and disappeared into a puddle on the table. It didn't come. Lying about the magazine or covering it up wasn't going to work, but the LAST thing she wanted was it getting around the Normandy that she had a crush on Garrus. If it ever got back to him...

_Alright, Shepard, damage control time._

She raised her head and her hand to get their attention. "Yes, I bought a Fornax, but NO, I do NOT have a thing for Garrus!" Her blush returned as she continued, remembering to keep her voice down this time. "I just think that turians are, well, kind of, striking. Regal. I was just curious and picked it up when I bought the model. That's ALL. Got it?"

"I get it. They're big, they're dangerous looking. I sure as hell know that once you've had a turian, well, human men just don't have that kind of engine installed, ya know?" Tali, Kelly, Gabby, and Chakwas turned their heads and stared open mouthed at Jack. Shepard followed suit.

Jack stared back and bit out sharply, "What?"

"Jack, you can't just say something like that and not give at least some detail." Kelly stated.

Jack looked at them all with some disappointment. "Oh come on. Not one of you has been with a turian? God, you're all fucking_ dull_."

"Details!" Tali hiccupped then giggled again. At least Shepard could still hold her liquor slightly better than the quarian. Or so she thought. She looked up at the door for a moment just as a certain turian walked in.

"Hello Captain Gavorn," she spoke without thinking. The sentence came out with a certain infliction which one might qualify as 'perverted'. She really needed to work on her tolerance. And her impulse control.

Her companions' eyes all turned towards the door as she said it, which caused them each in turn to erupt into a fits of uncontrollable laughter.

xXxXx

Shepard was torn between wanting to laugh and wanting to die.

The latter won out a few moments later when a new voice cut in through the mix.

"I'm almost afraid to ask, but what's so funny?"

Five of the women immediately stopped laughing and looked up as Garrus spoke to the group. The sixth motioned to a waitress for a refill, then folded her arms over her chest and considered suicide. When the other five women's laughter doubled in both volume and enthusiasm she considered the pros and cons of different methods.

She glanced up at Garrus and said in a slightly threatening voice, "You REALLY don't want to know, Garrus."

Tali piped up, "You REALLY do Garrus!" She dissolved into a fit of giggles which ended with laying her head on the table to catch her breath.

Shepard took a few deep breaths and tried to will the blood from her cheeks. The alcohol may have slowed her reaction time, but she was prepared. She managed to slap a hand over Jack's mouth just as the smaller woman opened it to say something to Garrus.

She wasn't fast enough stop Kelly though.

Damn that girl.

"We were having an in depth discussion regarding the pros and cons of xenosexual-relations."

He glanced down at the table, the Fornax clearly visible, and raised an eye ridge at her.

Kelly smiled up at him innocently. "Visual aids."

"Uh-huh. I think I'm going to go drink with Grunt. In that corner. Waayy over there." Garrus began backing away but not before a surprisingly quick Tali grabbed his arm and pulled him down to sit next to Shepard.

"No, Garrus, stay! We never get a chance to talk anymore."

Garrus eyed her skeptically but conceded. "Okaayy. I'll stay. For a while." He looked down at the table, saw the Fornax and instinctively averted his eyes. His discomfort changed to amusement, however, when he saw the model sitting there. He chuckled. "Still collecting models I see." He shook his head, "I don't know if I miss this thing or not. Don't get me wrong, I loved fixing it, and you gave me more than ample opportunity to do so. Bit more 'hands on' than working in the battery." He set the box back down on the table. "I just hated riding around in it with you at the damned wheel." He turned towards Shepard with a grin; she smiled back up at him.

"Well I don't missh it!" The quarian slurred slightly. "Oh! By the way, Garrus, just found out Shepard's into turians now!"

Shepard stared up at Garrus.

Garrus stared down at Shepard.

Shepard was now considering a neat and tidy murder/suicide scenario.

He turned his head when Gabby spoke up. "Hellooo Captain Gavorn!" she mimicked Shepard's earlier outburst which caused five of the females to start laughing again. Thank god for Chakwas. She looked over at Shepard sympathetically before expertly ushering away Jack, Kelly and Gabby and moving the four of them AND (Bless you Doctor!) the Fornax to the next empty booth. Tali remained behind.

After a moment of awkward silence she heard Garrus chuckle.

She prayed for spontaneous human combustion.

"Gavorn, huh?"

She glanced up at him. He grinned down at her.

'There's really no way out of this one, Shepard,' she thought just before she took a deep breath and nodded.

"THAT," he pointed across the bar, "Gavorn?"

She cleared her throat and wrapped her hands around her glass, without meeting his eyes she bit out, "yes, THAT Gavorn."

She thought for a second that he was laughing, but couldn't tell. The noises he was making deep in his chest were curious but her mind was too muddled to figure them out. He cocked his head and looked at her. "You know, Shepard," he said thoughtfully, "I think you should go for it."

Her head snapped up and she met his eyes. "Excuse me?"

He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, "You heard me. Go for it. You only live once." He chuckled, "Well, most of us do anyhow. Actually, I heard he does have a preference for humans." He grinned at her.

She stared back at him blankly. That wasn't to say her mind wasn't doing somersaults and backflips and running in circles backwards. Part of her was incredibly relieved that he didn't find the idea of human/turian relations repulsive. But the alcohol dimmed part of her brain was screaming that Garrus' complete lack of jealousy was absolutely unacceptable. Actually, it kind of pissed her off.  
The more she thought about it the more it pissed her off.

Unfortunately, it was this part of her brain she was paying attention to when god knows what made her decide to speak.

She smiled back up at him, "You know what? I think you're right."

Garrus got up and helped Shepard out of the booth.

She looked up at him, hoping for – something.

Did he just wink at her? The room had started spinning a little and it was hard to tell.

"Go get 'em, Commander."

She narrowed her eyes at him.

He smiled down at her.

She allowed her annoyance to build for a moment before she turned on her heel, took a deep breath, and headed in Gavorn's direction.

xXxXx

Garrus sat back down next to Tali, he motioned the waitress for a refill, reclined on the surprisingly comfortable seat, and prepared to watch the show.

"Garuss!" Tali's intoxicated voice brought his attention away from Shepard, "What are you doing? Would have thought you'd want her for yerself." She hiccupped.

He failed to hide the humor in his voice "Gavorn won't be interested in Shepard."

"So you lied to her?"

"Not at all. He's into humans." He didn't bother hiding his chuckle, "just not_ female_ humans."

Tali doubled over in a fit of giggles, Garrus ignored her in favor of watching Shepard cross the bar, a smirk on his face. She wasn't quite as steady on her feet as usual, which made the situation all the more amusing as she tried for a hip swaying 'sexy human' strut over to Gavorn and wound up performing more of a 'too drunk to manage a straight line, just drunk enough to trip over her own feet sashay.' Garrus knew setting her up for failure was a shitty thing to do. He just couldn't help himself.

Out of nowhere she's attracted to turian's and goes for THAT barefaced nobody?

He was glad Tali was suddenly either sleeping or passed out on the table, otherwise she would have commented on the scowl which crossed his face.

It wasn't like he was all into humans or anything it was just – that was Shepard. HIS Shepard. And he preferred his Shepard the way she used to be. NOT attracted to his species.

He watched as HIS Shepard just sat down beside that OTHER turian.

She glanced over at Garrus as she did, caught his eye and offered him a grin.

He grinned back, watched and waited.


	4. Chapter 4

"Commander Shepard."

"Captain Gavorn." She gave him a lopsided smile. It wasn't until she sat down that she'd realized she had no idea how to go about picking up a turian. Her nighttime 'musings' generally didn't include much in the way of talking. She glanced over at Garrus, he smirked back. Smug bastard. She turned back towards the captain. "Keeping the vorcha in line?"

He inclined his head, "been a lot easier lately. You wouldn't know anything about a whole lot of dead vorcha over near the clinic, would you?"

"No. I wouldn't know anything about that." She deadpanned.

"hm. Well, it's made my job a lot easier," he leaned forward slightly, "keep up the good work."

Shepard briefly wondered if they'd had a similar conversation before.

"So what brings you to Afterlife, Gavorn?"

"Same as you I would guess."

"Oh? Looking to blow off some steam then?" She attempted to take a sip of the drink she'd brought over with her, or what little she'd managed not to spill on her walk, that is, but wound up poking herself in the nose with the straw.

He glanced over at her skeptically. "You could say that."

After a moment of awkward silence he thought to herself, _'screw this, just do it.'_

"You know Gavorn, I could offer you with a tour of the Normandy if you're interested. We can start at the cockpit and work our way up to my cabin?" She offered him her most tempting smile and hoped it didn't come off as deranged. It really had been a long time that she'd tried anything like this, and she was awkward enough when it came to this sort of thing with her own species.

He started for a moment before speaking. "Sorry, Commander, you're not my type."

"Oh…. I see…. Sorry, I was under the impression you were, ah, interested humans."

He looked down at her briefly, clearly uncomfortable. "I am." He cleared his throat. "You're the, um, wrong gender."

Oh. _Ohhhhh_. She looked over at Garrus again. The bastard was still smirking. Well, she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing her make a spectacle of herself. _Again._ Time to turn this around. She smiled at her companion, "So I suppose saying something along the lines of "I lost my virginity, can I borrow yours?" won't work then?"

Gavorn laughed, "Sorry, no, neither will 'The only reason I'd kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor!'."

"How about, 'Do you believe in love at first sight? or should I walk by again?'."

"My belt buckle would look great on your forehead!"

"I'm feeling a little off. Would you mind turning me on?"

After a few seconds of laughter the two of them caught their breath. Gavorn motioned to the bartender. "Get you another drink?"

She grinned at him, "Why the hell not?"

He ordered and paid for their drinks and turned back to her. "So, turians, huh?"

Shepard shrugged at him, "So, humans, huh?"

He shrugged right back at her.

And suddenly she had an idea. She leaned in close and said in a hushed voice. "Hey, Gavorn, mind helping me out with something?

xXxXx

On the other side of the bar the smirk left Garrus' face.

This was NOT going as planned. She was supposed to be shot down and come crawling back to his table, where she could stew for a while and realize her mistake. The plan didn't involve the two of them apparently hitting it off. It certainly didn't involve the two of them laughing or him buying her another drink. It definitely did not involve Shepard leaning in close and whispering something in Gavorn's ear.

The other turian looked up and made eye contact with Garrus, raised his glass in a toast, and put his hand on Shepard's knee.

_Yeaahhh._

That wasn't part of the plan, either.

xXxXx

Shepard glanced up at her new found turian friend and laughed. "How does he look?"

"At first confused." He placed his hand on her knee. "Now irritated."

She tensed slightly and bit out, "That bastard."

"Excuse me?"

"He KNEW."

"Um?"

She smiled up at him, "tell you what, you keep rubbing my leg like that and I'll tell you all about it." She ran a finger down his mandible.

"Now he looks as though he'd like to murder someone."

"Perfect" she purred.

The smile she sent him was so genuine he couldn't help smiling back.

xXxXx

Garrus slammed down his glass with more force than was necessary, banging the table and startling Tali awake.

"Optics!" she sputtered as she jerked upright.

"Sorry." Garrus muttered, not turning his head to look at her and instead gazing angrily across the bar.

She swayed slightly, brushed off her suit and followed Garrus' line of vision.

"Thought you said he liked the males..."

Garrus grunted the affirmative.

Tali continued to watch Shepard and the other turian for a minute. Gavorn had his hand wrapped around Shepard's thigh, stroking lightly. Shepard was curled up next to him, tracing his mandible with her finger and whispering in his ear. Garrus sat stiffly in his seat glaring at the two.

"... are you certain?"

Garrus folded his arms across his chest. "Well, I thought I heard..."

"I think you heard wrong."

Garrus rumbled something.

"What?"

"She could do a hell of a lot better than him."

xXxXx

"So, what is it about human's you enjoy the most?"

"Blowjobs." He answered without hesitation.

Shepard barked out a laugh. "Anything else?"

"Mmmm. Soft skin. Soft lips. _Flexibility. _ Humans tend to be more physically affectionate that most turians are."

"Is that your way of saying you like to cuddle?" she teased.

"Absolutely. Your species is like self-warming body pillows." He leaned in a little closer "and all that skin smells so _damned_ good."

The way his teeth glinted in the light of the club made Shepard immediately think of the big bad wolf. She felt a shiver race up her spine. "Really?"

"Mmm. Not all humans, mind you, everyone's scent is a little different. And hygiene _does_ matter."

Having spent a lot of time in deep space crowded in a tin can with dozens of other Marines, she had to agree. "Well, that goes without saying."

"How about you? Turians?"

She cleared her throat, "it's, ah, a new fixation."

"Oh?"

"Very new." She smiled at him in with an overly exaggerated look of longing, "you were to be my first conquest."

He laughed down at her, "Aside from, you know, the sex, you can absolutely consider me conquered!"

Her head fell back as she laughed; disrupting her already questionable balance and she started rocking sideways and couldn't quite seem to stop. Large hands wrapped themselves around her waist to steady her. Gavorn held her there for a moment before letting go. "Your turian friend over there is starting to look as though he'd like to rip my mandibles off and poke my eyes out with them."

She snorted and finished her drink. "Let him stew. He had it coming."

"If you're so 'fixated' on turians, what about him?" He nodded his head in the direction of Garrus.

"THAT could be quite complicated."

"How so?"

She sighed. "He's far too good of a friend to mess it up with sex." She shrugged, "Besides, he's not interested in humans."

"He's not thrilled with you over here trying to have your perverted way with me either." He leaned a little closer again and lowered his voice, "You know, we tend to have more relaxed views towards sex than humans. Friendships can be maintained even if there are occasional bouts of 'blowing off steam. It's not really a big deal to us.'" He nodded his head in the direction of the Garrus again. "And I'm fairly certain that your turian would not be opposed to the idea."

_Your turian._ She liked the sound of that far too much for her own good. She felt her cheeks begin to heat up again. "Even if he were interested I really don't think that it's a risk worth taking. Really, he's -" She glanced over to where Garrus and Tali were sitting. Tali drunkenly waved at them, Garrus folded his arms over his chest and scowled. "- he and a few other members of the crew are the closest thing I have to a family."

Gavorn motioned to his unmarked face, "I get that. But I still think you may be overlooking him a little too quickly." He sat back and motioned towards her. "Besides, aren't you Commander _Fucking_ Shepard? Last I heard taking risks was a part of your job."

She laughed at that. "You know, I love that every time I hear it. Commander Fucking Shepard. I think I'm going to change my name, never felt Jane suited me."

"It would be pretty badass, that's for certain."

"There's that, but imagine it being announced over the Citadel Comm system. 'Commander Fucking Shepard please report to Udina's office immediately!' The look on that asshole's face would be priceless."

xXxXx

Garrus watched as that barefaced bastard gripped Shepard's waist and held her there. A deep angry growl began to build in him, his hands ached to rip off his gloves and scratch some markings into the other turian's face. They turned and looked over at where he and Tali was sitting. The quarian waved at them happily. He folded his arms over his chest in disgust.

"Look at them Garrus! They're _adorable_ together." She squealed.

"They are not adorable together."

She tilted her head to the side, "I disagree. They ARE adorable. And Shepard looks like she's having a nice time." She gasped and clasped her hands. "Oh! Maybe she'll take him with us!"

Garrus growled in response.

"I can tell you for a fact, Garrus, that the ladies of the Normandy would appreciate a bit more eye candy." She laughed again. "And I use the term _'__ladies'_ loosely. Or in Kelly's case,_extremely loosely_, if you catch my drift." She hiccupped and dissolved into another fit of giggles.

They really needed to keep her away from liquor.

He stood abruptly and pulled her up beside him. "Tali, you've had enough. I'm taking you back to the ship."

Garrus strode towards the exit, tugging the quarian along behind him. He needed to get out of here before he made an ass of himself. The thought of Shepard and that other turian -

- he couldn't finish the thought.

"Let go before you tear off my arm, Garrus!"

"Sorry" he muttered and let go as asked, but he continued to usher her towards the docking bay, trying to ignore her chattering about Shepard and that other turian and how much fun it would be to have him on board. He failed.

"Sooo, you have a problem with Shepard's new appreciation of the turian form?" She mused out loud. "Or is it Shepard with anyone who isn't _Garrus_ that is turning you into such a bosh'tet?"

"I don't know." He growled.

His answer earned him an exasperated sigh from Tali. "It isn't hard to figure out. Which one did you want to tear apart?"

That stopped him. "Excuse me?"

"You were over there making all kinds of angry grunts and growls. And the LOOKS you were giving them? I'm glad I wasn't on the other side of them. If you simply wanted Shepard to stop flirting that's one thing. But if you wanted to hurt the other turian - what was his name again?"

"Gavorn." He spat.

"Right. If you wanted to go all prehistoric on Gavorn I'd say you were jealous."

"I wasn't-" He stopped before he could finish. He couldn't deny her logic, muddled as it was with liquor.

Though he couldn't see her face through the helmet, she somehow managed to look far too self-satisfied for his taste.

"That's what I thought." She folded her arms across her chest and regarded him critically. "Well? Go back and get her away from him if it bothers you." She poked him in the chest. "That is SHEPARD. She's a female of action. The alpha bitch of the Galaxy! " She waved her arms excitedly, teetering on unbalanced legs until he had to grab her to keep her from falling over. "Do you really think SHE will be impressed by you sulking off to your cave on the Normandy because of a little competition? I certainly don't."

She marched up to him and got in his face. "Grow a quad, Garrus!"

She stomped away from him and headed back to the ship, leaving a very uncertain, yet still incredibly irritated Garrus behind.

xXxXx

"Shepard, it's time to leave." Garrus' voice rumbled over her shoulder.

"If you want to go Garrus, go ahead. I'm having a great time. And hey, you only live once, right?" She didn't look up from her companion.

"Shepard-" the tone in his voice held a warning.

She glanced up at him; "Vakarian." her tone was amused.

"I'm giving you the opportunity to walk out of here on your own, Shepard. Don't think I won't carry you if I have to."

Gavorn snorted and muttered, "I'd pay to see that."

Garrus turned towards the other turian, his features twisting (as much as his plates would allow) into a snarl, Gavorn returned his glare. A few chirps, trills and low growls between them later and Gavorn rose to his feet. At first Shepard though the two might continue their little display, but instead the captain downed the last of his drink and excused himself.

"I'm think I'm going to leave this one for you, Commander."

She sighed despondently, "probably for the best."

Garrus spoke at the same time, his voice coming out deep and rough and threatening. "Wise choice." He lowered his gaze to her, "Let's go."

"Vakari-"

He didn't let her finish before he barked out "Now." The tone in his voice was not one he ever used with her and it surprised her for a moment. But a moment was all he needed. She felt his talons wrap around her arm as he tugged her behind him. She followed on rubbery legs and shouted as they left "You're my new best friend! Ping me!"

"Count on it!" Gavorn called over his shoulder.

Next to her Garrus growled again.

xXxXx

Shepard burst into laughter the minute the exited the club. She snorted at him. "That was fantastic!" She put on her best scary caveman face, turned her fingers into two deformed talons and said in her deepest voice. "Me Garrus! Me strong! Grrrrr!" Laughter overcame her again.

She grasped her side and continued, "I wish I had recorded it. Joker would have shattered his ribs laughing!"

He stared down at her, eyes narrowed, "You knew that I set you up, didn't you?"

Shepard leaned against the outside of the club, to catch her breath, her legs no longer doing a sufficient job of supporting her weight. "I know you like the back of my hand, Vakarian." She waved said hand in front of his face. "Except, you know, my hand's not all spikey and stuff." She grinned deviously, "and it doesn't have a big blue-"

Garrus cut her off by neatly closing his hand over her mouth and pull her away from a group leaving the club. She bit his hand when they were out of earshot and managed to get away

She scowled "I was going to say visor."

_"Riiight."_ He huffed in annoyance before continuing. "Let's get back to the Normandy. You've had enough to drink."

"Oh, come on Garrus! The night is still young! I was hoping, to, you know, test out and see how much of my new body really is new." She grinned up again, "You know, so if our trip through the Omega Relay doesn't work out I won't die a virgin." She waggled her eyebrows at him

It was just too much. "What the HELL has gotten into you, Shepard?" He snapped. He didn't wait for an answer, he was a little afraid of the answer. Instead he grabbed her arm again to pull her along with him. "We're going back to the ship."

Shepard followed along for a while, not quite sure what she'd gotten herself into. She was prepared for some sort of reaction, but she was not prepared for this sort of anger. Or being manhandled. She waited until they were in a more isolated location before she wrenched her arm away. "Garrus, what the hell is YOUR problem?"

He rounded on her, "What is with your interest in turians all of a sudden?"

She folded her arms over her chest. "I've always thought turians were, I don't know, majestic looking. I can't find your species attractive?"

"Finding my species attractive is one thing, but why do you want to act on it all of a sudden?" He paced in front of her, obviously agitated.

"So you have a problem with me _acting_ on it?"

He stopped his pacing to bite out at her, "As a matter of fact I do!"

The force with which he said the words startled her for a moment, as did the words themselves. She'd never thought he'd be THAT against it. Actually, she rather thought he would be amused by the entire thing. Obviously he wasn't pro cross species liaison, which deflated her more than she cared to admit. She pulled back with an "Oh," and cleared her throat, "that would explain things." She met his eye and nodded once, her face inscrutable. "Let's, ah, head back to the ship then." She stood up and walked back towards the Normandy.

Garrus followed sullenly.


End file.
